What comes to your mind when you think of the word ‘sex’?
For many people sex is synonymous to intercourse. We live in a sexual culture overwhelmingly focused on intercourse as ‘real sex’. Sex in books, movies, and on TV is dominated by this norm.
This idea leaves millions of people feeling frustrated or depressed because for many different reasons they may not be able to achieve it and therefore feel unsatisfied with their sex lives. Most people at least once in their life have felt a degree of these emotions because they couldn’t achieve intercourse.
Here is the good news! You can have an incredibly hot, intimate, mutually satisfying, maybe even sensorially revelatory sex without putting anything in anyone. So, here are some suggestions on how to have pleasurable sex without intercourse.
photo by Ivan Tronayovsky
Kunyaza
Kunyaza is a traditional sexual technique used in Central Africa, which has the reputation of triggering female orgasm. During kunyaza, the partner with the penis rhythmically and firmly strikes the clitoral glands with their erect penis, as the woman (or vulva-owner) becomes more aroused and the vulva starts to swell. They then rubs their penis from the top to the bottom of the vulva, then left to right, and then in a zigzagging motion—always returning to strike the clitoris after each rotation. Finally, as the woman is brought close to orgasm, they simultaneously stimulate the whole vulva area using long strokes...but never penetrating. Kunyaza literally means 'to urinate' or 'to make squirt'.
Tanga Eggs
Tenga eggs are soft, stretchy, squishy hollow ovals with a hole at the bottom. You pour a little lube into the hole, then use them to give your partner a hand job. Each one has a different texture inside it, to caress them in different ways. These aren’t just toys for men and penis-having people, either. Try flipping one inside out over your fingers, and using it to stroke the clitoris and labia, again with lashings of lube.
Massage the premium
The perineum is the fleshy part between a guy or penis-haver's balls and anus, and it’s full of nerve endings. The perineum graduates from soft, to firm and back. You can stimulate it using your tongue, fingers or even your knuckles.
The perineum responds well to moisture, pressure and temperature. You can experiment with different textures, temperatures and pressures. Always check in with your partner and ask what feels good and what doesn’t.
photo by Mitch Gobel
Try an exploration night
You can download the yes/no/maybe list here to discover what non-penetrative ideas may excite you. Go through the list individually and mark yes/no/maybe. Then get together, put all the nos aside. Discuss the maybes in a non-judgmental manner but bring curiosity. For example: ‘what would you need for this to move from maybe to yes’? or ‘What would make it a no?’ Make a plan for an exploration or adventure night where you can play out one of these fantasies/ideas with no obligation. Play! Have fun! You can read more about this, here.
Photo by Ivan Tronayovsky
Texture adventure
Blindfold your partner (you can take turns to do this activity) then stroke or press on the skin all over their body using household items you’ve gathered that have different textures, some ideas are: a feather duster; a leather glove; a foamy sponge; a blusher brush; satin knickers; a wooden spoon; a silicone spatula and a chilly metal fork.
Even a metal scourer can feel tantalising squeezed against the soles of the feet, and because your partner’s eyes are covered, they can’t see the funny (and sometimes unsexy!) visual of you touching their butt cheeks with a potato masher or rolling one of those little spiky tumble drier balls down their spine – they can only feel the deliciousness.
Be also mindful of the pleasure you experience while you’re touching your partner, too. How does the object feel in your hand? How does your lover’s skin feel, taste, smell? What are the different sensations in stroking an arm, a collarbone, a belly?
Photo by unknown artist
Get creative!
There are thousands of creative ways to have sexual pleasure! And I am not exaggerating. Let your creativity and imagination go wild, see where it may lead you…