Anisa Varasteh

The short answer is: yes. The longer answer is more interesting. The other day, a couple sat across from me feeling quietly disappointed about their relationship. There was affection between them. They described themselves as a good team — aligned in many practical ways, supportive of one another. And yet, neither of them felt desire for sex. This wasn’t a new issue. It had been present for some time. As we unpacked it further, something unexpected emerged: they held different political...

The Psychology of Sexual Fantasies I said this to a friend the other day, half-jokingly: “Tell me your political orientation and I’ll tell you your sexual fantasies.” She leaned in. “Go on.” When I explained what I meant, she burst out laughing and said, “I don’t know how you stop yourself from turning this into a party trick." The truth is, human sexual fantasies are far more patterned — and socially shaped —  than we like to believe. Most people experience their fantasies as deeply...

It softens when it no longer has a job. Many people come to me carrying shame — but not always the kind they expect. Yes, sometimes there is shame about sex. About desire. About touching their own body. But more often, the shame lives somewhere less obvious. Shame about wanting a different kind of relationship — one that may or may not include their current partner, even though they’re deeply unhappy. Shame about feeling anger when their needs aren’t met. Shame about longing for a life, a...