Anisa Varasteh

It’s That You Don’t Want This  Sex. Low desire is one of the most common concerns I hear in my clinical practice.   And almost always, people arrive carrying one of two harmful explanations. The first is: “You’re doing something wrong.”   So you’re given more tools. More techniques. More videos. More frameworks.   How to touch better. How to turn each other on. How to be more exciting or seductive.   And underneath all of it is this message:   You’re not trying hard enough. You’ve become...

The short answer is: yes. The longer answer is more interesting. The other day, a couple sat across from me feeling quietly disappointed about their relationship. There was affection between them. They described themselves as a good team — aligned in many practical ways, supportive of one another. And yet, neither of them felt desire for sex. This wasn’t a new issue. It had been present for some time. As we unpacked it further, something unexpected emerged: they held different political...

The Psychology of Sexual Fantasies I said this to a friend the other day, half-jokingly: “Tell me your political orientation and I’ll tell you your sexual fantasies.” She leaned in. “Go on.” When I explained what I meant, she burst out laughing and said, “I don’t know how you stop yourself from turning this into a party trick." The truth is, human sexual fantasies are far more patterned — and socially shaped —  than we like to believe. Most people experience their fantasies as deeply...