It’s Not That You Don’t Want Sex.

It’s That You Don’t Want This Sex.

Low desire is one of the most common concerns I hear in my clinical practice.

And almost always, people arrive carrying one of two harmful explanations.

The first is:

“You’re doing something wrong.”

So you’re given more tools.

More techniques.

More videos.

More frameworks.

How to touch better.

How to turn each other on.

How to be more exciting or seductive.

And underneath all of it is this message:

You’re not trying hard enough.

You’ve become lazy.

You’ve become complacent.

The second is:

“You’ve fallen out of love.”

“The attraction has died.”

“Desire dies in long-term relationships.”

These messages are everywhere.

And in most cases, they’re simply not true.

They create shame.

They create fear.

And they distract people from what’s actually happening.

Low desire is not about laziness.

And it’s rarely about love disappearing.

More often, it’s about something much more nuanced.

A Distinction That Changes Everything

There is a difference between:

“I don’t desire sex.”

And:

“I don’t desire this sex.”

“This sex” might be:

• Rushed sex

• Predictable sex

• Emotionally disconnected sex

• Sex that is based on obligation

• Sex that is centred on one partner’s needs

• Sex without attunement

Here, desire hasn’t disappeared.

It has gone offline in response to the quality of the erotic experience.

That’s not dysfunction.

That’s responsiveness.

“I’m Never in the Mood”

Many people in long-term relationships say to me:

“I’m never in the mood.”

“I don’t feel horny anymore.”

When we unpack it they usually mean things like this:

“I don’t feel spontaneous desire.”

“I don’t get random waves of arousal.”

“I don’t suddenly want to initiate.”

And they assume that means desire has vanished.

But that’s only one way desire works.

Spontaneous Desire

Spontaneous desire is what we see in movies and media.

You’re living your life.

Doing emails.

Driving home.

And suddenly:

“I want sex.”

That’s spontaneous desire.

It appears first.

Then you act on it.

Some people experience this naturally — especially early in relationships.

But it’s not the only healthy pathway.

Responsive Desire

In many long-term relationships, desire works differently.

It arises in response to connection.

Not before it.

This is called responsive desire.

With responsive desire, you don’t start with arousal.

You start with openness.

Presence.

Emotional safety.

You’re close.

You’re talking.

You’re touching without pressure.

And as a response…

Your body begins to wake up.

Desire emerges.

Not because you forced it.

But because the conditions were right.

Why So Many Couples Get Stuck

Many couples believe:

“I’ll initiate when I’m in the mood.”

But if your desire is mostly responsive, that moment may never arrive.

Not because you don’t want intimacy.

But because your body needs connection first.

So both partners wait.

And nothing happens.

Responsive Desire Is Not Obligation

This is important:

Responsive desire does not mean forcing yourself.

It does not mean overriding your boundaries.

It does not mean “just doing it anyway.”

It means saying:

“I don’t feel desire right now…

but I’m open to connecting.”

“I’m curious about what might emerge.”

That is very different from obligation.

Creating a No-Pressure Zone

 For responsive desire to work, there must be no pressure.

The goal is not a specific outcome.

The goal is connection.

It might look like:

A long kiss.

A shoulder rub.

Cuddling.

Slow, attentive touch.

With no script.

No expectation.

No destination.

When the body knows:

“I’m safe.”

“I’m not being evaluated.”

“I’m not being pushed.”

It relaxes.

And often, desire follows.

Pressure Is the Fastest Way to Kill Desire

When sex becomes something you “should” want,

or something you provide to keep the peace,

or something you owe —

your nervous system doesn’t experience invitation.

It experiences demand.

And demand activates defence.

Protection mode and erotic openness cannot coexist.

This isn’t manipulation.

It isn’t withholding.

It’s physiology.

What If Nothing Is Broken?

One of the most damaging patterns in mismatched desire is immediately searching for the defective partner.

The “low libido” one.

The “too sexual” one.

The one who needs fixing.

But desire is relational.

It lives between two people.

If your rhythms matched perfectly, there would be no problem.

So the work isn’t forcing desire back.

It’s getting curious about:

• What kind of intimacy feels good now

• What version of sex feels alive

• What helps each of you feel safe and open

Sometimes desire hasn’t gone.

The old script has.

And something new is waiting to be written.