What We Get Wrong About Power in Intimacy

Issue Sixteen: Power Isn’t the Problem. Unconsciousness Is.

I went on a date that taught me more about power than most conversations ever have.

We were sitting in a crowded pub. Loud. Tight. The kind of place where you have to lean in just to hear someone speak.

He leaned closer and said, half-smiling:

"I can't hear you. Use your Domme voice."

I didn’t flinch. I didn’t raise my voice.

I looked him in the eye and said, calm and steady:

"I don't need to raise my voice to dominate someone."

Something flickered in his face. Like a script had been taken away. Like he didn’t know what to do without it.

Later, when we were saying goodbye, he put his hand around my throat and kissed me — without asking.

I gently removed his hand and said:

"Dominance is not overpowering.

Show me you can dominate me without touching me."

That moment stayed with me. Because it crystallised something I see in my work again and again:

People often think that power is something you take. That dominance is loud. That authority is force. That desire is proven through escalation.

But power that needs to be taken is not power. And dominance that relies on intrusion is insecurity wearing a costume.

True power — whether in intimacy, leadership, or life — is held. Not seized.

Power differentials exist in all relationships:

Between lovers.

Between leaders and teams.

Between friends.

One person may have more power in a dynamic because of physical strength, social status, gender, money, or perceived authority.

The question is never whether power exists. The question is:

Are we conscious of how we hold it?

When power is held with awareness, it creates safety. When it’s unconscious, it creates rupture — even when intentions are good.

In intimacy, unconscious power shows up when: 

Someone assumes access instead of asking

Intensity replaces attunement

Touch happens without listening

In leadership, it shows up when:

Authority is confused with control

Presence is replaced by performance

People feel managed, not met

Different contexts. Same dynamic.

What makes power erotic — and leadership effective — isn’t force. It’s presence. 

It’s the ability to influence a room without raising your voice. To be felt without invading. To create desire without pressure. To lead without domination. To be vulnerable without collapse.

That kind of power requires:

Self-awareness

Emotional regulation

Attunement to the relational field

And the courage to tolerate uncertainty

Because real power doesn’t rush. It doesn’t grab. It doesn’t need to prove itself. And it doesn’t override another body to feel real.

Holding power consciously is one of the cornerstones of erotic intelligence.

It’s about how power is held in the space between people —

in the pause before touch,

in the breath before decision.

Because how we hold power shapes what becomes possible:

Intimacy or rupture. 

Softening or bracing. 

Desire or defense.

As the year closes, this is the lesson I’m carrying forward:

Power that creates safety invites connection. Power that intrudes creates resistance.

Whether in love, leadership, or life — the most potent question isn’t: "How much power do I have?"

But:

"How am I holding it?"